REGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

TIMBER!!

My favorite charge nurse from the maternity floor told me a funny story last night. She said that last week she was walking past the triage area, and she saw a pair of men's legs sticking out into the corridor, half of his body still inside the triage room hidden by the curtain. Apparently upon hearing the news that his wife was to be admitted to Labor & Delivery, this poor husband passed out cold. She said the staff was scrambling and saying things like, "we don't touch guys here! What do we do?" Maybe he could use a good Cosmo. Go figure.

Favorite Nurse Calls

Here on L&D, we get a LOT of nurse calls. Some are legite, but most are absolutely and completely WACKO!! Here are some of our favorite samples from over the years....

1. "My water broke. It keeps breaking. How many times will it break?"
2. "I had a baby last week and I had a 3rd degree lobotomy. Can I still use a tampon?"
3. "Will the lunar eclipse cause my baby to have a cleft lip?"
4. "Is 5 weeks too early to have a baby? I think my water is breaking in spurts!"
5. "I think I might be 8 months pregnant. I had a hysterectomy a few years ago but I still have my ovaries."
6. "I was wondering where your heart is. Is it in the same place on everybody?
   RN: "The heart is located inside the central left part of your chest."
   "But I thought your boob was there!!"
7. "How many calories does your uterus burn when it contracts?"
8. "If you put me on pitocin, will my baby's uterus contract, too?"